Bitterness

I'm so tired of being bitter. But I don't know how not to be.

Yesterday, we went to the wedding of the girl who completely ruined my wedding day. I look back at some of my pictures and they're filled with so much anger and bitterness, and I don't know how to let it go.

How do I let go that his dad was crying when his niece walked down the isle, but he couldn't crack a smile all day at our wedding?

How do I let go of the words that were said to me in the weeks preceding the wedding? How do I let go of the memories, the heartache of knowing my in laws didn't like me on our wedding day?

How do I let go of the fact that my wedding wasn't mine? That the day I dreamed of since I was a little girl was everything my mother in law wanted, and none of what I did? Even still, I was willing to go along with everything she wanted, it was easier than fighting her. I was getting Jim after all.

But then, when I couldn't take bridesmaidzilla anymore and snapped, I was the one who lost everything. I was so hurt by all the things that she said and did, but that didn't matter. She's family they said. She was right, and I was wrong. Period. It didn't matter how many times she had made me cry. All the frustration she caused.

My heart longs for an apology. For the words that were said, and the things that were done. But my brain knows that's never going to happen. So, how do I let go of this anger? How do I heal? I've forgiven my in-laws. I am so happy things are going so much better in our relationships. Forgiveness isn't the problem.

I feel like this is punishment from God for the things that I did while I walked away from him. For the things that kept me from coming back to Him. Loving parents punish their children, I fully believe God punishes us for our mistakes. But haven't I hurt enough? I'm so angry that the hurt just keeps coming.