Sunday, May 30, 2010


I'm so tired of being bitter. But I don't know how not to be.

Yesterday, we went to the wedding of the girl who completely ruined my wedding day. I look back at some of my pictures and they're filled with so much anger and bitterness, and I don't know how to let it go.

How do I let go that his dad was crying when his niece walked down the isle, but he couldn't crack a smile all day at our wedding?

How do I let go of the words that were said to me in the weeks preceding the wedding? How do I let go of the memories, the heartache of knowing my in laws didn't like me on our wedding day?

How do I let go of the fact that my wedding wasn't mine? That the day I dreamed of since I was a little girl was everything my mother in law wanted, and none of what I did? Even still, I was willing to go along with everything she wanted, it was easier than fighting her. I was getting Jim after all.

But then, when I couldn't take bridesmaidzilla anymore and snapped, I was the one who lost everything. I was so hurt by all the things that she said and did, but that didn't matter. She's family they said. She was right, and I was wrong. Period. It didn't matter how many times she had made me cry. All the frustration she caused.

My heart longs for an apology. For the words that were said, and the things that were done. But my brain knows that's never going to happen. So, how do I let go of this anger? How do I heal? I've forgiven my in-laws. I am so happy things are going so much better in our relationships. Forgiveness isn't the problem.

I feel like this is punishment from God for the things that I did while I walked away from him. For the things that kept me from coming back to Him. Loving parents punish their children, I fully believe God punishes us for our mistakes. But haven't I hurt enough? I'm so angry that the hurt just keeps coming.

Saturday, May 15, 2010


A good friend of mine is getting married in July. She posts Facebook status' about how God isn't real, and neither is heaven or hell.


absolutely heartbreaking.

Whats worse? her fiancée is a Christian.

He loves God, she essentially has no belief in Him. Every time my friends and I start conversations about God when she's around, she gets up and leaves. She has dragged my friend down, and away from God. He doesn't go to church nearly as often as he used to, and we rarely have good conversations about God.I was there once, dragged away from a relationship with my savior because of a guy, its not easy to come back from that. But its a lot harder emotionally to pretend its not happening to you when it is. I don't know if I should continue to stay quiet, or if I need to stand up and say something. I have said things in the past, but nothing too bold or concrete. We just finished a study of Galatians in my ladies bible study, this verse hit me pretty hard:

Galatians 6:1 Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.

So, I guess by this verse I should say something. But how do I restore him gently?

I was ready to walk away from my husband, before he became a Christian, and before we got married. I cannot fathom a marriage where one person is held to a much higher standard than the other.

The bible calls us not to be unequally yoked in our relationships. He is choosing to be unequally yoked in his marriage. The most holy of unions.

Her posting things along those lines, knowing her fiancée feels differently, shows how much she respects him and their relationship. I would not post something negative about something Jim wholeheartedly believed in on Facebook. My marriage is of up most importance to me. I will do anything I can to protect my marriage and my relationship with God above anything and anyone else in this world. The divorce rate is so high in this country, because people don't protect the vows they hold dear.

I'm not perfect, I don't always do or say the right thing. But I don't go out of my way to do something I know is wrong either.

So, what now, do I say something to him...again?